I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We named our party play list daddy issues
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
