i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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