Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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