I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
