I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
