you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
