T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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