she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Can I color on your dick again?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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