The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
