Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
They have beer where we have blood.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
