When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
