You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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