If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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