her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
