Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
