They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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