You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
mondays should just be called national damage control day
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
