Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
