Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
