Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
