I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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