I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
