i was rollin on her like bob the builder
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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