you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
