I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
