Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
