I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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