I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
