I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
