sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
