You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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