I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
only if we run a train.
done.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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