So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
