Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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