Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
