Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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