When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
