Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
