i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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