awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
