Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
That was an excessively violent trivia night
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
