I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
