sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
