I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
