It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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