you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
