Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
