I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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