Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
