I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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