I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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